questioning my self

kalo w bisa muter waktu, gue akan blablabla" adalah sebuah kalimat yg kadang sering w ucap. dan tiap orang yang denger ini biasanya bakal jawab "gue juga". dont really need the validation from it, that just things my inner self want to say to myself. sebuah pemberontakan pada diri sendiri. i get used to it, ya udah sih, pada kenyataannya waktu memang ga bisa di puter kan. hear someone said the same thing, ngebuat w berasa jadi manusia normal aja wkwkw. sampe suatu hari found an outlier. ketemu orang yg bilang "gue sih ngga ya, pun waktu bisa ngulang lagi, i will do the same thing, i am grateful for being what i become now, i never regret with whatever things i already choose". there is a long silence after that. sebuah kebalikan yg sgt kontras ya key.

ada 2 hal yang terlintas dipikiran w. 

1.  have u ever suffer from some hardship? have u ever choose the wrong direction? have u ever hate urself for not being good enough? have u ever stuck in a maze that u let urself in? does fortune follow u like a domino's effect all the time?

2. u do through all those things in upper question, but u keep it for urself only

dan pikiran w akhirnya mendebatkan 2 hal tersebut. dan membingungkan w sekali lagi. 

kalo gue bisa muter waktu gue mau balik ke sma. harusnya lu belajar bener2. bener2. pertanyaan w satu sih why dont u tried hard enough. why u give up at that time. sama satu lagi. kalo w liat kebelakangan, keputusan w tu berasa salah terus. kayak pada keputusan apapun yg w ambil, selalu ada rasa sesal yg mengikuti. dan gue tacklenya dengan selalu find the good side, from every bad things happen, even just a little. by doing these, ternyata ngebuat w  never appreciate or value the bad things for what it actually supposed to be. so i never learn from it. 

jadi keinget. pas ldo sma hari terakhir pada tukeran uname twitter. and peole questioning how weird it was bcs the "key" in my uname. soalny waktu tu orang buat uname pakek real name. i quetioning my self should i cut out the "key" for being part of me or not. changed it several time. turn out the "key" is the only word stand still today. so? keep questioning ur self key, u might find the answer soon wkwkw.

update:

god give me hints from gitasav vid yt, life is a matter of choice. so relateable sekali. 

kalo di zodiak kan w tu libra. w ga percaya2 bgt si sama zodiak, tapi seneng aja gitu kalo ada poin2 bagus wkwkw. nah libra ni identik sama nimbang, kek semua hal yg terjadi sudah/sedang/akan terjadi ditimbang makanya suka plinplan. this actually hal yg gue kesel jg sama diri w sendiri. soalnya hidup tu kan proses ya, jadi pasti akan ada aja yg terjadi. jadi proses nimbangnya ni ga akan pernah selesei2 kalo semua aspek kehidupan harus dimasukkin dalam komponen yg ditimbang. kayak di awal2 vid gita ini, mostly in the end i let people make the decision for me on be half of my self. dan reason yg di kemukakan nya juga masuk semua di gue. isi pikiran w sekali. i ever feel that way. terus di menit2 selanjutnya she speaks about the next step and how to comprehand what actually making decision r. so u know what to do right key? :))